Million Dollar Vision, Survival Mode Behavior: Why High-Achieving Women Stay Sick | Nikki Stewart

Key Takeaways

• 1A bad performance review can be a sign of a toxic workplace, even if your boss has always been nice to you.
• 2Physical symptoms, like feeling sick or having asthma attacks, can actually be signs of suppressed depression from stress at work.
• 3A doctor told Nikki her health problems were from her job and that she should quit to get off the medication she was prescribed.
• 4Nikki realized she had a "million dollar vision with survival mode behavior," a phrase that described her ambition and her burnout.
• 5Sometimes the people closest to you won't understand your changes, and you'll find support from strangers instead.
• 6To figure out what's wrong, ask yourself a simple question: 'How does my body feel?' The answer is usually yes or no, or good or bad.
• 7Reclaiming your identity means getting back to the person you were as a kid, before the world told you who to be.
• 8Many high achievers don't want to admit they need help because they want to keep up the image of having it all together.

Nikki Stewart thought she was having an asthma attack. She was sitting in her office as her boss, who had just taken her out for her one-year anniversary, gave her a terrible performance review out of nowhere. She felt herself getting upset. It wasn't an asthma attack, though. It was the start of realizing her successful corporate job was making her seriously sick.

The performance review that did not make sense.

Have you ever had a moment where things just don't add up? You think everything is going great, especially at work. You're getting good feedback and hitting your goals. Then, out of nowhere, someone tells you the complete opposite, and it feels like the world turns upside down. It can make you question everything, including yourself. Nikki Stewart knows this feeling all too well.

Her story starts on a hot, muggy day in Houston. She had just celebrated her one-year anniversary at her corporate HR job. Her boss had even taken her out to celebrate just three days before. But on this Thursday, something was off. After a monthly meeting, Nikki noticed her supervisor's energy was strange. A little voice inside told her to just pretend to look for something in her purse and avoid her. But it was too late. Her boss walked up, touched her on the shoulder, and asked her to come back to the worksite for a meeting. The reason she gave was only half-true, and Nikki’s gut feeling told her something wasn't right.

When she got to the chemical plant where she worked, the strange feeling got stronger. Her office, which had glass walls, was dark. This was unusual. As she sat down, she heard her boss's heels clicking down the hall. The boss came into her office, closed the door, and pulled out a black leather notebook. Nikki realized what was happening: this was a surprise performance review. As her boss started talking, Nikki felt completely blindsided.

The review was wholly opposite of the positive feedback I had received throughout the year. Nikki said

All year long, she had done great work. She and her supervisor never had a single disagreement. Now, in this meeting, she was hearing a totally different story. It made no sense. Nikki felt herself getting upset and started to have an asthma attack, but she took a deep breath and decided to speak up.

I really thought we had a great rapport... First of all, let's talk about how did I make it past the 90 days? Nikki said

She challenged the feedback, asking how these issues could be true if she passed her initial review period and had a great record. Her boss’s response was shocking. Instead of talking about Nikki's work, she made it personal.

My old opinion is that I think because you're the sole caregiver for your mother, it's causing you to not be... It was interfering with my performance. Nikki said

Her boss tried to blame Nikki’s performance on her personal life, something Nikki had only shared because of a family emergency. This wasn't a real performance review. It was a personal attack disguised as a professional meeting. When you find yourself in a situation like this, where the feedback feels unfair and out of the blue, it's important to have a plan.

Here's what you can do in that moment:

• Try to stay as calm as you can and focus on your breathing.
• Ask specific questions to understand where the feedback is coming from.
• Politely correct any facts that are wrong, just like Nikki did.
• Take notes about what is being said, who is there, and the date.
• Remind yourself that feedback that doesn't match reality might not be about you at all.

This kind of confusing experience can be incredibly stressful and really affect your health. It makes you feel like you're losing your grip. But trusting your gut when something feels wrong is the first step to protecting yourself.

When someone's feedback suddenly makes no sense, it's often more about them than it is about you.

You have suppressed depression.

Sometimes our bodies know things before our minds do. We might get a headache, feel tired all the time, or have a stomach ache that won't go away. We think it's just a physical problem. But sometimes, it's our body's way of telling us that something in our life is very, very wrong. This is what happened to Nikki.

After that horrible performance review, Nikki felt awful. She was upset and felt like she was having an asthma attack, which happened sometimes when she got angry. But this felt different. It was so bad that she went straight to the doctor, which was something she never did. Nikki's doctor knew her well and didn't like to just hand out medicine.

Nikki sat on the cold exam table, waiting. When the doctor came in, she didn't talk about asthma or allergies. She looked at Nikki and said something that changed everything.

You have suppressed me. Nikki said

It was a strange thing to say, but Nikki knew exactly what she meant. It wasn't a physical problem. The doctor was saying that Nikki had been pushing down, or suppressing, all the bad feelings from her job for a very long time. She was in denial about how much the stress was affecting her. Then, the doctor told Nikki she was going to put her on five different prescriptions. Nikki was shocked. She was the kind of person who avoided even taking a pill for a headache.

The doctor told her to get a second opinion from a psychiatrist. A week later, Nikki sat in another office and heard the same thing: it was depression, and it was caused by her work. At first, Nikki argued. She tried to blame her difficult relationship with her mother. But the psychiatrist pointed out that Nikki had also said she was the woman she was today because of her mother. Nikki couldn't deny it anymore. She thought of something her grandmother used to say.

Two people do not tell the same lie. Nikki said

Two different doctors had told her the same thing. She had to accept it. The psychiatrist explained that her supervisor wasn't mean, but she was toxic, and it was making Nikki sick. Then the doctor gave her some advice that blew her mind. She would prescribe the same five medications, but she added something else.

Come back to me when you quit your job, so we can wing you off those subscriptions. Nikki said

Think about that. A doctor was telling her that the job was the illness. The medicine was just a temporary patch. The real cure was to leave. Her body had been trying to tell her this for a while, but she wasn't listening. Are you listening to your body? Sometimes the signs that we are suppressing our feelings are clear if we look for them.

• Physical reactions like thinking you're having an asthma attack when you're just upset.
• A feeling that your body is screaming at you to pay attention.
• Walking into a room and feeling the energy is just "off."
• Always putting work first, even when your personal life needs you.

It's easy to ignore these signs and just keep going. But our bodies keep score. That constant tightness in your shoulders or the dread you feel on Sunday night might be more than just stress. It might be a sign that something needs to change.

Your body often knows what's wrong long before your mind is ready to admit it.

Why a psychiatrist told her to quit her job.

Sometimes you know what a doctor is going to say before they even say it. You go in expecting a certain diagnosis or a specific prescription. But what happens when they tell you something so unexpected it changes everything? That’s exactly what happened to Nikki. After her regular doctor diagnosed her with depression, she was told to get a second opinion from a specialist.

Nikki went to the psychiatrist’s office, feeling like she was just going through the motions. She was still in denial. When the psychiatrist also diagnosed her with depression after just a short assessment, Nikki pushed back. She thought it had to be something else, maybe something from her past, like her tough relationship with her mom.

I said, but wait, you did a full assessment, but you don't even have my medical records for my doctor. How are you telling me how it's depression? Nikki said

The psychiatrist listened and then said something that really surprised her. She told Nikki, “It’s not your mother. You also told me you are the woman you are because of your mother.” Then, the psychiatrist got to the real point: Nikki’s supervisor at work was toxic. She explained that toxic behavior isn’t always obvious or mean. It can be subtle.

Then came the second shock. The psychiatrist wanted to put her on the exact same five medications her first doctor suggested. Five. For someone who avoids even taking a painkiller, this felt like a life sentence. But the biggest bombshell was yet to come. The doctor leaned in and said something she admitted she doesn't usually say to patients.

Come back to me when you quit your job, so we can wing you off those subscriptions. Nikki said

Nikki was stunned. Quit her job? A doctor was telling her to quit her job as part of her treatment plan. It didn't make any sense.

I said, Huh? Wait, you said quit my job. Nikki said

The psychiatrist was serious. She was basically saying that the job was the source of the sickness. The medicine was just a temporary fix to manage the symptoms. The real cure was to remove the problem. For Nikki, this was a hard pill to swallow. She immediately thought about the TV show Intervention and worried she could end up addicted to prescriptions because of a situation she couldn't afford to leave.

Think about what the psychiatrist was really telling her:

• The problem wasn't a personal failing.
• It wasn't her family history.
• Her workplace was literally making her sick.
• The medicine was a crutch, not a cure.
• The only way to truly get better was to leave.

This isn't something we hear very often. We're taught to push through, to be strong, and to handle stress. But here was a medical professional saying the exact opposite. She was saying the healthy choice was to walk away. It forces you to ask yourself a tough question: What if the thing you’re trying so hard to hold onto is the very thing that’s breaking you?

Sometimes the most healing choice is to quit the thing that’s making you sick.

What is a 'million dollar vision with survival mode behavior?'

Have you ever had huge dreams but felt completely stuck just trying to get through the day? That’s what Nikki Stewart calls having a “million dollar vision with survival mode behavior.” It’s when your big goals don't match up with your small, everyday actions.

Nikki’s story is a perfect example of this. She had a good job in corporate HR. But things got weird right around her one-year work anniversary. After a meeting, her supervisor asked her to come back to the office, even though it was Nikki’s scheduled work-from-home day. The energy just felt wrong.

When Nikki got to her office, her supervisor was waiting. They sat down, and the supervisor pulled out a black leather notebook. It was a surprise performance review. The review was terrible and completely different from all the good feedback Nikki had received all year. She was stunned and tried to stand up for herself.

Wow, I really thought we had a great rapport... let's talk about how did I make it past the 90 days? If this is my character and my work... Nikki said

But then her boss said something that really crossed a line. She blamed Nikki’s work performance on her personal life.

My old opinion is that I think because you're the sole caregiver for your mother, it's causing you to not be, I don't remember her exact word, but not perform well. Nikki said

This was a huge blow. Nikki had only told her boss about her mom needing surgery because she was putting a work project first. She was trying to be a good employee, but it was being used against her.

After that meeting, Nikki felt awful. She went to her doctor, who told her she had pushed down her feelings for so long that she had developed depression. A psychiatrist confirmed it. They both wanted to put her on five different prescriptions. It was in one of those appointments that the phrase just came to her.

you have a million dollar business with this survival mode behavior. Like, what are you gonna do? Nikki said

She had big dreams. She had earned her Master's degree and was even working on her doctorate. That was her million dollar vision. But her behavior was all about survival. She was staying in a bad job, putting work ahead of her family, and ignoring her own health until her body started screaming for help.

So how do you know if this is happening to you? It might be if you see some of these signs in your own life:

• You have big, exciting goals, but you spend your days just trying to make it to bedtime.
• You feel like you have to prove your worth all the time, especially at work.
• You ignore what your body is telling you, like being tired or getting sick a lot.
• You know you’re meant for better things, but you feel trapped where you are.
• Your daily to-do list is all about what other people need from you, with no time left for yourself.

It’s easy to get caught in this cycle. But recognizing it is the first step to making a change.

Your daily actions are the small steps that build your big vision, so make sure they're pointed in the right direction.

When your family tells you to quit.

Have you ever gotten advice from the last person on earth you expected? Nikki's doctor and psychiatrist both told her that her job was toxic and making her sick. They put her on five different prescriptions for depression. But even with all that, she was still planning on going back to work. It took one phone call to completely change her mind.

The call was from her mom. Now, Nikki’s mom was a retired corporate worker. She was the person who always told Nikki to have a steady job, to find something secure, and to stick with it. She was the voice of safety and practicality in Nikki’s life. So when Nikki told her about the five prescriptions she was now taking just to get by, she expected a certain kind of response. It wasn't the one she got.

Her mom, who had her own tough experiences in the corporate world, had a very clear and shocking message.

And she just mixed in it. She said, Hey, don't take another pill. Nikki said

Nikki was stunned. This was the complete opposite of everything her mom usually said. She couldn't believe what she was hearing.

I was like, no, no, you told me to wait till I find something else. Nikki said

But her mom’s reasoning cut through all the noise. For her, a steady job was never supposed to cost her daughter’s health and happiness. The rules changed the second medication got involved. She told Nikki:

I did, but I didn't tell you to stay anywhere to where you're having to depend on medication. Nikki said

That was it. That was the moment. Hearing the person who valued security the most tell her to quit was the final push she needed. If her own mom was telling her to leave, then it must be the right thing to do. It was a huge signal that things were much worse than she was admitting to herself. Sometimes, the person who has always told you to play it safe is the only one who can give you permission to take a big risk, because their love for you is bigger than their fear.

When you're feeling stuck, it can be helpful to listen for this kind of shift in the people around you. It’s often a sign that you really need to make a change.

• Pay attention when someone who always gives you one kind of advice suddenly says the opposite.
• Notice who is encouraging you to choose your well-being over a paycheck.
• Recognize that when someone who loves you tells you to quit, it's not because they want you to fail. It's because they can see you're already losing.
• Sometimes the green light you're looking for comes from an unexpected source.

Sometimes the permission you need comes from the last person you'd ever expect.

What happens when you start to change?

Starting something new is exciting. But it can also be a little scary, especially when you realize it might change your relationships. When you start growing in a new direction, not everyone in your life will understand or be able to cheer you on.

Nikki Stewart knows this feeling well. As she left her corporate job to build her own business, she had to face this tough reality. Desi asked her if she was ever afraid of losing people during this big shift in her life. Nikki's answer was honest and immediate. She said she was still losing people, even now.

She shared that sometimes, the lack of support came from the people closest to her. Even her husband had doubts at first. Nikki didn't feel like he was fully behind her new plan.

his actions, his energy was like, you need to hurry up and get a job. Nikki said

It wasn't just at home. She also noticed it with other family members. She talked about calling a relative she was very close to. But after the call, she’d feel awful. Their conversations about money and work would leave her feeling guilty and drained. The hardest part was that she knew they weren't trying to be hurtful.

I know they don't even know they're doing it. That's what makes it hard. Nikki said

It’s a common experience. The people who were your biggest fans when you had a steady, predictable job might get quiet or distant when you take a big risk. It’s not always because they don't care. Sometimes, your big changes can bring up their own fears.

When you start to change, some of your relationships might change, too. Here are a few reasons why:

• They just don't understand your new goals or your new line of work.
• You don't have as much in common to talk about anymore.
• Your new priorities might make them feel unsure about their own choices.
• You simply have less free time than you used to.

As some of her old relationships felt strained, Nikki found encouragement in surprising places. She discovered that the people who really got what she was doing were complete strangers.

And the support I have received has been from strangers. I've literally have never met in person. Nikki said

She found an online networking group of women who just clicked. They helped her with small things, like figuring out how to copy and paste her LinkedIn information when she was stuck. They were loving and supportive from day one. This shows that when you're on a new path, you often have to find a new group of people who are walking a similar road. They'll get the ups and downs in a way that others might not. If you're feeling this way, try looking for a group, either online or in your town, that is focused on what you're trying to do.

When you grow, not everyone in your life will be able to grow with you, and that’s okay.

What problem do your clients think they have?

Have you ever had a feeling that something in your life was just… wrong? You can’t exactly say what it is, but you know things aren't right. For a lot of successful women, this feeling is all too common. On the outside, they look like they have everything they could ever want. But on the inside, it’s a totally different story.

Nikki Stewart sees this all the time with the women she helps. They come to her feeling totally burned out and disconnected. They think they should be happy. After all, they’ve checked all the boxes and achieved so much. But Nikki says that on the inside, they’re asking themselves if this is really all there is to life.

...it's the woman you know who is a high receiver, ambitious, look like she has it all together on paper. And as you start talking to her, she's either asking herself, like I was, is this it? Is there more, or she is a myth. Exhausted, disconnected, and living someone else's life. Nikki said

These women are often dealing with what Nikki calls "over giver syndrome." They are always doing things for other people. They feel like they constantly have to explain themselves or prove they are good enough. They are amazing performers at work and at home, but they’ve lost touch with themselves along the way. It’s like they’re playing a part in a movie instead of living their own life. Nikki says some common themes are:

• Feeling exhausted all the time
• Giving too much to others and not enough to yourself
• Feeling disconnected from your own life
• Worrying about keeping up an image of success
• Always feeling like you have to prove your worth

A big reason for this is that these women have gotten used to this feeling. They think this is just what success feels like. They’ve accepted that being tired and stressed is the price you pay for having a great career or a perfect-looking family.

they have normalized it. I'm not gonna say it's their normal, they have normalized that's what success looks like. Nikki said

But your body knows something is wrong. Nikki explains that when we ignore these feelings for too long, our bodies start to send us warning signs. It might be headaches, stomach problems, or other health issues that just won't go away. Nikki even had clients whose bodies were practically shouting at them to make a change.

...it's to where you're like, hey, you're gonna die. Um, your body is screaming to where it's actually screaming to where it's screaming out loud. And what are you gonna do? Nikki said

So what can you do if this sounds like you? Nikki suggests starting with something very simple: listen to your body. Don’t overthink it. Just ask yourself basic questions. How does being around this person make you feel? How do you feel about your job? The answer is usually just happy or sad, good or bad. Your body knows the truth even when your mind is trying to tell you everything is fine.

Your body often knows the real problem long before your mind is ready to admit it.

How do you know if something is wrong?

It can be tough to figure out when something is wrong in your life. We get so busy and used to how things are that we don't always notice the warning signs. You might feel tired or stressed, but you just brush it off. Nikki says there's a really easy way to check in with yourself, and it doesn't involve a lot of thinking. It's all about listening to what your body is trying to tell you.

When Desi asked how someone can figure out what their problem is, Nikki’s answer was simple. She said her own breakthrough came when she finally paid attention to her physical feelings. She now uses this same idea to help her clients.

For me, it was listening to my body. And for most of my clients, once I verbally say, 'Hey, what does your body say?' their life, their eyes light up like a deer in the headlight because you're right.

• Nikki

Most of us live in our heads. We think about what we should do or what the "right" answer is. We make lists of pros and cons. But Nikki suggests we forget all that for a minute and just feel. Don't overthink it. Break it down into the most basic feelings you can have.

it's either you feel good at this job, you feel bad. You feel happy, you feel sad. So I simplified as simple as I can. What is your body feel?

• Nikki

Think about it. Your body knows things way before your mind catches up. When you get a bad feeling in the pit of your stomach, that's real information. When you feel your shoulders tense up just thinking about a certain person or task, that’s a sign. We often ignore these signals because we think they aren't logical. But our bodies don't lie. The trick is to ask a question and notice the very first feeling that comes up, before you have a chance to analyze it.

You can try this right now. Think about different parts of your life and just ask your body how it feels.

• When I think about my work, do I feel tight and heavy or light and open?
• When I talk to a certain friend or family member, do I feel drained or energized afterward?
• When I look at my schedule for the week, do I feel dread or excitement?
• What’s the first feeling I get when I wake up in the morning?

Nikki explained that it’s like being a kid again. You don't have to make it complicated.

if you get out of your own way and just get back to when you were a kid, you went to the candy store because you love candy. You didn't go because you didn't like it.

• Nikki

It really is that simple. You either like the candy or you don't. You either feel good doing something or you don't. Listening to these feelings is the first step to figuring out what needs to change. You don't need a huge plan just yet. Just start by noticing.

Your body often knows the answer long before your brain does.

What does it really mean to reclaim your identity?

When we talk about "finding ourselves," it can sound like a really big, complicated thing. But what if it's simpler than that? What if it's just about remembering who you were before the world started piling on rules and expectations?

For Nikki, getting back to who she really is wasn't about some huge, confusing process. It was about giving herself permission to be a kid again and to dream without limits. She realized that we often make things way harder than they need to be.

I think they overcomplicated. If you ask me how, for me, it was simple, but not so simple. Giving yourself permission to be childlike and to dream again, that would be my answer. Nikki said

She told a story about watching the soap opera All My Children with her grandmother when she was a little girl. She was totally captivated by the character Victor Newman. He was this symbol of wealth and confidence, and he made a big impression on her young mind. She also remembered watching the original TV show Dallas with her grandma. The images of big ranches and open land really stuck with her.

It wasn't just a random TV show fantasy. This dream connected directly to her own childhood. Nikki grew up on two acres of land with horses, rabbits, cows, and goats. While her friends were out playing on Saturdays, she was taking care of the animals. The feeling of being on that land was a core part of her. The TV shows just gave a name to a feeling she already knew she loved.

My grandmother would watch that. And to this day, that is actually my goal in real life is to own a ranch and live on a ranch. Nikki said

This idea of reclaiming your identity is all about listening to those little whispers from your past. It’s about remembering what lit you up when you were seven or ten years old. Those things we loved as kids are often clues to what makes us feel happy and authentic as adults. Maybe you didn’t dream of a ranch, but what was it for you?

You can try this yourself. Just take a minute and think back.

• What did you love to do for hours as a kid?
• What TV shows, movies, or book characters did you pretend to be?
• What did you want to be when you grew up, before anyone told you it was silly?
• Where did you feel most free and happy?

Thinking about these things isn't just for fun. It’s a way to reconnect with the person you are underneath all the stress and responsibilities. It’s that person, the one who dreams of a ranch or loves to draw or wants to explore, who can guide you out of survival mode. When you remember what you truly love, it gets easier to see what’s not working in your life right now. It gives you the motivation to build a life that actually feels like your own.

...you are helping a lot of women break free from survival mode and outdated patterns that are keeping them stuck and taking on everyone else's responsibilities why they leave no room to even pamper themselves because they don't have time. Nikki said

Remembering what you loved as a child can show you who you're meant to be as an adult.

What is the first step you can take today?

When you feel totally stuck, it’s hard to know where to even start. It can feel like you have to have a perfect plan before you can make a single move. But Nikki Stewart says it’s much simpler than that. The first step toward change isn't some big, scary leap.

It really just starts with being honest with yourself. For Nikki, this meant facing a hard truth about her corporate HR job. On paper, everything was great. But one day, her boss pulled her into a surprise meeting for a performance review. The feedback was terrible and completely different from all the good things her boss had said before. Her supervisor even blamed Nikki’s performance on her personal life, saying that caring for her sick mother was getting in the way. The whole thing left Nikki feeling crushed and physically sick. She went to her doctor, who told her she had depression caused by stress.

A psychiatrist confirmed it. She told Nikki that the job was the problem and then said something that changed everything. The doctor said to come back and see her after she quit her job, and they could get her off the medications. Quit her job? Nikki couldn’t imagine it. But then her own mother, who had always told her to value a steady job, agreed. So, Nikki took a breath and did it. She quit. It was a terrifying decision, but it was the first real step that was just for her.

So, what can we take away from her story? When she was asked what the very first step is for someone feeling lost, Nikki's answer was simple. It’s all about being brave enough to be real.

That should have been number one to take the mask off. I should have, I if I knew you were gonna ask me, I'll I'll say take the mask off. Take the mask off and see what that looks like. Nikki said

For a long time, Nikki wore the mask of the perfect, high-achieving employee. But it was making her sick. Taking the mask off meant she had to admit that the "perfect" job was actually hurting her. It meant she had to be honest about how she really felt, not how she thought she was supposed to feel.

Once you take the mask off, you can start to figure out what success actually means to you. Forget what your company, your family, or anyone else thinks it should be. What does it look like for you? Is it being a boss? Or is it working less so you have more time with your kids? You get to decide what the goal is.

Then comes the most important part: you have to do something. It doesn't have to be huge. It can be one small action. The point is to break the old pattern and do one thing differently.

And then last, because I'm a simple girl, just start doing it. Step, take the action, be okay with taking the wrong step or the wrong action, because it's gonna lead you to the right path. Nikki said

You don’t have to get it right on the first try. Nikki says that sometimes the "wrong" turns are exactly what you need to find the right direction. The key is to just get moving, even if you're scared. If you're feeling overwhelmed, here are a few simple ideas to start with:

• Take off the mask. Be honest with yourself about what's not working. Stop pretending everything is okay if it's not.
• Think about your own success. What would make you feel happy and fulfilled? Write it down, even if it seems silly.
• Do one small thing. You don't have to have it all figured out. Just do one thing today that you didn't do yesterday.

Nikki says you can get different results if you just start doing things differently, one small choice at a time.

If you don't remember any of the three, just do something different that you're not doing. So you can get different results. Nikki said

The first step isn't about having a perfect plan, it's about doing one small thing differently.

Listen to the full conversation

This conversation with Nikki Stewart was so honest. It really makes you think about the pressure we put on ourselves to look successful. If you felt seen in this story, listen to the whole episode to hear more. You can connect with Nikki on her website, nikkistewartspeaks.com, or find her on LinkedIn and Instagram.