Nervous System Regulation for Women (You Tried Everything)

Key Takeaways

• 1Logic can be a defense mechanism. We often retreat into our heads to avoid feeling uncomfortable emotions in our bodies.
• 2Women often think their problems are external. The real work is building internal self-confidence and self-love so you can show up as your best self.
• 3Your brain prefers what's familiar and safe (surviving) over what could make you happy but is unknown (thriving). It will try to pull you back to old habits.
• 4Your brain can lie to your body, but your body can't lie to your brain. Feeling a state like confidence in your body is more effective than just thinking it.
• 5Women are often conditioned to be selfless caretakers. This can lead to undercharging and over-giving in business because asking for fair pay can feel greedy.
• 6Charging higher prices helps you be more present for your clients. It also gets them more invested and committed to doing the work.
• 7In fight-or-flight mode, the logical part of your brain shuts down and your primitive 'caveman brain' takes over, leading to defensiveness or avoidance.
• 8If you're used to stress, you have to learn how to handle joy. Your nervous system needs practice feeling and embracing happiness.

How many times have you told yourself to just 'think your way out' of a problem? You use logic and try to reason through it, but you end up in the same spot. My guest Katherine Kimball found herself in that exact situation. She had done all the talk therapy and mindset work, but real change didn't happen until she started paying attention to her body.

When thinking your way out of it stops working

Have you ever tried really hard to think your way out of a bad feeling? You tell yourself all the logical reasons why you shouldn't be sad or angry, but the feeling just stays there. Sometimes, our brains can't solve problems that live in our bodies.

My guest, Katherine, knows this really well. For a long time, she did all the things you're "supposed" to do when you feel stuck. She went to talk therapy and tried other methods that focused on her mind. But even after all that work, she still wasn't happy with her life. The lasting change she wanted just wasn't happening. Then, she tried something different. She started to pay attention to her body.

I feel like when I started doing that, that's when things finally actually started shifting for me, like in a real way, in a more permanent way. Katherine said

What did she start doing? She practiced meditation and focused on her breath. Instead of trying to think her way out of how she felt, she started to feel her way through it. This might sound a little strange, but there's a good reason it works. Katherine explained that many of us use logic as a kind of shield. When we feel something uncomfortable, our first move is to run up into our heads where we think we can control it.

...when things are uncomfortable in our body, we kind of go into our heads to escape it. Katherine said

We try to analyze the feeling or rationalize it away. It’s a way to protect ourselves from sitting with discomfort. Do you ever do this? Here are a few signs you might be escaping into your head:

• You play conversations over and over in your mind, trying to figure out what you should have said.
• You try to solve emotional problems by making detailed pros and cons lists.
• You have a hard time identifying what you’re actually feeling in the moment.
• You feel disconnected from your physical body, almost like you're just a brain driving a machine.

For Katherine, the breakthrough came when she realized she didn't need a better thought. She just needed to cry. She needed to let herself actually experience the emotions she had been holding back. So many of us are taught from a young age that crying is bad. People say "don't cry" to be nice, but it teaches us that uncomfortable feelings are a problem to be solved. Katherine learned that expressing those emotions is how you release them so they don't get stuck inside you.

I really think that feeling things is the way to let them go and set them free. Katherine said

This doesn’t mean you have to have a breakdown in the middle of the grocery store. It just means giving yourself permission to feel. The next time you feel a big emotion, try this. Instead of jumping to fix it, just notice it. Take a quiet moment and ask yourself, "Where is this feeling in my body?" Is it a tightness in your chest? A knot in your stomach? Just see if you can sit with the physical feeling for 30 seconds without judging it.

Sometimes you have to feel a feeling all the way through to truly move past it.

Why do we run from our feelings?

Have you ever tried to think your way out of a bad feeling? Maybe you felt sad or angry, and you told yourself all the logical reasons why you shouldn't feel that way. It's a common thing to do. We often run into our heads to hide from feelings that are big and uncomfortable.

Katherine, a guest on the show, talked about this. She's a coach who helps women get out of their heads and back into their bodies. For a long time, she used logic to protect herself from her own feelings. She realized that many of her clients do the same thing. When something feels bad in our bodies, we try to escape it with our thoughts.

a lot of us when things are uncomfortable in our body, we kind of go into our heads to escape it. Katherine

But that doesn't really work. Katherine shared that after a long time, she finally understood that she just needed to let herself feel things. She just needed to cry. This is hard for many of us, and it often starts when we're little kids. Think about what happens when a child starts crying. So often, a well-meaning adult will rush over and say, "Don't cry!"

Katherine explained why this simple phrase can cause problems later on.

the first thing people say to you when you start crying is like, don't cry, right? And they mean it nicely because they feel bad for you and they want you to be okay, but their discomfort like teaches you that it's not okay to like sit with the discomfort. Katherine

Even though they mean well, the message we get is that our feelings are a problem. When we hear "don't cry," we might also hear a lot of other things, like:

• Your feelings are making other people uncomfortable.
• You should stop feeling sad right now.
• Crying is a bad thing to do.
• You need to be strong and not show your emotions.

Over years and years, we learn to push those feelings down. We learn to go into our heads and analyze them instead of just feeling them. But what if we tried something different? What if, instead of running away, we just let the feeling happen?

Katherine found that when she finally let herself feel all of her grief and sadness, things started to change for the better. The feelings didn't stay stuck inside her anymore. They were able to move through her and then be released. It wasn't about getting rid of the feeling, but about giving it the space it needed.

I really think that feeling things is the way to let them go and set them free. Katherine

So what can you do with this? Try a small experiment. The next time you feel a little sad or frustrated, don't immediately try to fix it or think your way out of it. Just notice it. See if you can sit with it for just one minute. You don't have to do anything about it. Just let it be there. It might feel weird at first, but it's a small step toward learning that your feelings aren't something you need to run from.

It's okay to feel your feelings instead of just thinking about them.

It's not about them, it's about you

Have you ever said something like, "If my boss would just stop being a jerk, I'd be so much happier at work"? Or maybe you've thought, "If my partner would just do this one thing, our whole relationship would be better." It's so easy to think that our problems are caused by other people. Katherine sees this all the time with her clients.

A lot of women come to her thinking their relationship problems will be solved if they can just find the right person. Or if they can get their current partner to start or stop doing something. This way of thinking pops up everywhere, not just in romance. Katherine says she sees it with clients who believe their life will fix itself if only something outside of them would change. They think things like:

• If I could just get this client...
• If I could just find the right place to live...
• If I could just get the right group of friends...
• If I could just find the right guy...
• If I could just get my boss to stop being an asshole...

The problem is, these things are not really in our control. And even if they did happen, we'd probably just find another problem to focus on. Katherine explains that thinking this way gives our control away.

but really all those things are out of our control, right? And the truth is, is if those things happen, we'd probably find something else that would be wrong or would be the thing that's holding us back. Katherine said

This isn't about blaming yourself or saying the other person's behavior is okay. Sometimes people really are being difficult. The point is about taking your control back. Instead of focusing on what you can't change (other people), you focus on what you can change (yourself). You get to decide how you want to act, no matter what's going on around you.

at the end of the day, though, the only thing you can control is you. So, how can you figure out how can you show up as your best self, regardless of what the other people are doing, and show up the way that you want to show up, right? Katherine said

Let's say you want to be a loving person. But you find yourself around people who make it really hard to be loving. The old way of thinking is to blame them. "I can't be loving because they are being so difficult." The new way is to ask yourself, "How can I be the loving person I want to be, even if they continue acting this way?" It’s a shift from blaming others to deciding who you want to be in any situation.

And so it's not so much as like blaming yourself as it is of like not giving your power away to others. Katherine said

So how do you start doing this? Katherine suggests asking yourself some simple questions to help you look inward. The next time you're frustrated with someone, take a pause and ask yourself: "If you are in that situation again and you could show up a hundred percent the way you want to, what would be your ideal response?" Exploring that question can show you the person you want to be. It helps you find your own answers instead of waiting for someone else to change.

Instead of wishing others would change, decide how you want to show up for yourself.

Your brain wants you to stay where you are

Have you ever felt like you were right on the edge of a big change, and then suddenly you wanted to retreat? It’s a weird feeling. You get all inspired to do something new, but as soon as you have to actually do it, your mind tries to pull you right back to where you started. It’s not just you. This is a very real thing that happens to almost everyone.

Katherine brought up a great example of how this plays out when it comes to selling something. A lot of people feel uncomfortable with sales. They might have a breakthrough and realize they need to think about it differently. For a minute, they feel amazing and ready to go. But then it’s time to actually make a sales call or send a networking email.

...slowly the old kind of way of thinking creeps back, almost like you don't notice it. Like you're not as you don't feel as inspired, you don't have the same energy, right?

, Katherine

Suddenly, all that inspiration is gone. What happened? It turns out, your brain is just doing its job. Its main job isn’t to make you happy or successful. Its main job is to help you survive. It does this by sticking to what it knows.

...and that's your brain doing what it like what it's meant to do, which is to keep you in the same thing that you are doing, because your brain likes things that are familiar and safe, not things that are necessarily happy are gonna get you what you want.

, Katherine

Think about it like this. Your brain has a record of everything you’ve done that hasn’t gotten you eaten by a lion. Your old habits and old ways of thinking are on that list. Your brain knows that even if those habits made you miserable, they kept you alive. This new, exciting way of thinking? It’s unfamiliar. It’s a risk. Your brain doesn’t know if it’s safe yet, so it tries to pull you back to the old, "proven" way of being.

Here’s a look inside your brain’s thought process:

• Okay, this old way of thinking kept us alive. It's known.
• This new idea of being confident in sales is unknown. I don't have data on this.
• What if this new thing goes wrong? What if we get rejected and it hurts?
• Let’s just go back to what we know. It’s safer here.

So, how do you work with a brain that’s trying to keep you stuck? Katherine shared a really interesting idea. You can’t always think your way out of this feeling. Instead, you can try to feel your way out of it. She mentioned a phrase she once heard: "your brain can lie to your body, your body can't lie to your brain." If your body feels safe and confident, it can send that message back to your brain. This is a "bottom-up" approach. Instead of trying to convince your mind with thoughts, you start by creating the feeling in your body. Before you do the scary new thing, try putting on music that makes you feel good. Stand up tall. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Let your body feel confident and calm first, and your brain might just follow along.

Your brain’s main job is to keep you safe, not to help you grow.

Why your body is more honest than your brain

Have you ever had a moment where your brain knows exactly what you should do, but your body just refuses to cooperate? You try to talk yourself into being confident for a meeting or a tough conversation, but the confident feeling just doesn't stick. It's super frustrating, and it makes you feel like you're fighting against yourself.

Katherine talked about this with a great example: learning to be okay with sales. A lot of us get a little squeamish when it comes to selling things, even if we really believe in what we’re selling. Katherine said you can have a big realization, like, "Oh, I see! I've been thinking about sales all wrong!" For a minute, you feel amazing and ready to go. But then, when it's time to actually get on a sales call, all the old, weird feelings creep back in. You don’t feel so inspired anymore.

This happens because your brain is just trying to protect you. It's not trying to make you happy or successful, it just wants you to survive. New, unfamiliar things feel scary to your brain, even if they're actually good for you.

...your brain likes things that are familiar and safe, not things that are necessarily happy are gonna get you what you want. Because your brain just wants you to survive.

Katherine

So your brain drags you back to what it knows, because what it knows has kept you alive so far. This is why just thinking your way into a new feeling is so hard. Katherine calls this a "top-down" approach, where your brain tries to tell your body how to feel. But there’s another way that works much better. It’s a "bottom-up" approach, where you let your body tell your brain what’s going on.

That’s because your body doesn’t really lie. Your brain can tell you a story like "Everything is fine!" while your stomach is tied in knots. Your body knows the truth. This is what Katherine meant when she shared this little nugget of wisdom.

Your brain can lie to your body, your body can't lie to your brain.

Katherine

When your body actually starts to feel safe and confident, it sends a signal to your brain that is way more convincing than just telling yourself to be confident.

So your your body, if it feels safe, it feels good, if it feels confident, that is a much more powerful thing than your brain trying to convince your body that it feels that way.

Katherine

So, how can you start listening to your body more? You can practice feeling safe from the bottom up. Instead of just thinking about it, you can do things that help your body relax and send that "all clear" signal to your brain.

Here are a few simple things you can try:

• Take a slow breath. When you feel nervous, your breathing gets shallow. Taking a few deep, slow breaths tells your nervous system that there isn't a tiger chasing you.
• Move your body. Put on a song you love and dance around for a minute. Go for a quick walk outside. Anything that gets you out of your head and into your body can help.
• Notice your senses. What are five things you can see right now? Four things you can feel? Three things you can hear? This simple exercise brings you into the present moment and helps calm frantic thoughts.

Trying to change your thoughts is hard work. Sometimes, it’s easier to change what your body is feeling first and let your thoughts follow.

Instead of trying to think your way to a new feeling, try feeling your way to a new way of thinking.

How our childhood shows up in our business

Have you ever felt a little uncomfortable talking about money? Or maybe you find yourself giving away your time and energy for free, even when you're running a business. A lot of the time, that feeling goes way back to when we were kids. The messages we got about being helpful and what it means to be a "good" girl can really affect how we run our businesses today.

In the episode, Desi told a very personal story about this. When she was a little girl, she saw her dad counting a pile of money and got excited, the way any kid would. But his reaction sent a totally different message.

I remember one time specifically when I was with my dad, he was just counting money and I was just excited. He's like, Oh, that's not good, that's greedy, and you know, you can't be like that. Desi said

Just like that, a simple moment of excitement was turned into a lesson about being "greedy." Desi explained how she saw her boy cousins being encouraged to have big dreams and make money. But for her and the other girls, the message was different. They were taught to be the helpers, the supporters, the ones taking care of everyone else. This idea that women should always be giving, often without expecting much in return, is something many of us learned very early on.

Guest Katherine agreed, explaining how this old programming shows up everywhere, especially in careers dominated by women. Just look at some of these roles:

• Teachers
• Nurses
• Childcare workers
• Caregivers for the elderly or disabled

These are incredibly hard and important jobs, but they are famous for being underpaid. Katherine points out that our society has created this strange wall between caring for people and getting paid well for it. It makes us feel like we have to choose.

...if I get fairly compensated for my work, then I somehow didn't really care or I didn't really mean it, right? Katherine said

This feeling is a big reason why so many women in business struggle with pricing. We've been taught that being a caretaker means being selfless. And if you're selfless, you shouldn't be asking for a lot of money. You should just be happy to help. Katherine shared her own story of being a public school teacher, a job she says was the hardest she's ever had, even harder than being an entrepreneur. But people don't see it the same way.

This pressure to be a selfless caretaker follows women into their own businesses. We get stuck between wanting to be successful and feeling like a "good" woman.

...if caretakers are supposed to be selfless and not want and not demand you know, higher pay, then of course we shouldn't be doing that because then we're not being caretakers. Katherine said

So when you sit down to decide on your prices, this old voice might pop into your head. It whispers that charging too much makes you greedy or that you're not delivering enough to justify the cost. This thinking leads you to over-give your time and under-charge for your work, leaving you feeling tired and broke. Recognizing this pattern is the first step. The next time you feel guilty about sending an invoice, take a second. Ask yourself if this is really about your value, or if it's just an old story you were taught.

What we learned as kids about being "helpful" can make us feel guilty for charging what we're worth.

Being a caretaker doesn't mean you have to be broke

Have you ever noticed there's a strange idea floating around that if you care for people, you shouldn't also make good money? It's like we've decided that being a caring person and being well-paid are two things that just don't go together. This way of thinking often hurts women, especially those in jobs where they take care of others.

Katherine mentioned that she thinks this is a particularly American problem. It’s a belief that separates the work of caring for people from the money you get for doing it.

I think I feel like it's something unique to American culture of this idea that we have completely separated this idea of caregivers and money, right? And being compensated for that care. Katherine said

She shares that for some reason, we believe that if you get paid well for your caring work, you must not have really meant it. It’s as if the money cancels out the sincerity of the care. Look at the jobs that are filled mostly by women who act as caretakers. They are almost always underpaid for the amount of work and heart they put in.

These roles often include:

• Nurses
• Teachers
• People who care for children
• People who care for the elderly
• People who care for disabled people

These are really hard jobs. They take a big emotional toll and require a lot of skill. Katherine knows this firsthand. Before becoming an entrepreneur, she was a public school teacher for five years. She says it was the most difficult job she’s ever had.

I'm an entrepreneur now, but I was a public teacher for uh about five years. And I will tell you, teaching in public school was the hardest job I've ever had in my life. Katherine said

She explained that as a teacher, she was responsible for 158 kids. She had to be their teacher, but also their nurse, their psychologist, and sometimes even their parent. Yet, when people talk about raising teacher salaries, the conversation gets difficult. This ties back to the idea that if you’re a caretaker, you aren’t supposed to ask for more money.

This attitude has a big effect on women, who are traditionally pushed into these roles. There's nothing wrong with wanting to take care of people, but there's a problem when society says you should be okay with being paid less for it.

...if you are in a caring position, you should just be willing to do it for free or be willing to do it for less than what you should get paid for it. Katherine said

So what can you do with this? If you're a woman running your own business, like a coach or a consultant, you might feel this pressure. You might worry about charging too much because you don't want to seem greedy or uncaring. But Katherine flipped this idea around. She realized that when she raised her prices, she became a better coach. She wasn't worried about finding her next client, so she could be fully present and focused on doing the best job possible for the person right in front of her. Charging what you're worth gives you the peace of mind to do your best work.

Charging what you're worth actually helps you take better care of other people.

Why charging more is actually better for your clients

It can feel strange to ask for a lot of money, especially if your job is helping people. You might worry that people will think you're greedy. Or you might feel like you should just be happy to help, even if it doesn't pay much.

In the episode, Desi said she sees this a lot with the women she works with. They give and give, but when it comes to getting paid, they get nervous. They second guess themselves all the time. She described their thought process like this:

"Oh no, I think I'm overcharging and I'm under delivering." Desi said

Katherine, the guest on the show, totally agreed. She explained that women are often taught to be caretakers. And we're taught that caretakers should be selfless and not ask for much money. But Katherine learned that this way of thinking was actually hurting her and her clients. Before, she used to worry all the time about her prices. She would feel bad asking people for money. She’d think, what if they don’t think I’m worth it? What if I take their money and they’re disappointed? All that worry and guilt just took up space in her head. It kept her from focusing on what really mattered: helping her client.

So, she decided to make a big change. She raised her prices. A lot. And something amazing happened. It wasn't just that she made more money. She actually became a better coach. She explained that charging more gave her something really important.

"That's what charging higher prices gets you, is it gets you the peace of mind to not have to be hustling and just being able to be present with your clients." Katherine said

Suddenly, she wasn't so stressed. She had a few high-paying clients instead of many smaller ones. This meant she could really give her full attention to the people she was working with. Here’s what happened when she started charging more:

• She didn't have to worry about where her next paycheck was coming from.
• She could be 100% focused on her client during their calls.
• She wasn't distracted by guilt or pressure, which made her a much better coach.
• Her clients started getting better results because they were more invested.

That last part was a big surprise. When clients paid more, they took the work more seriously. They started showing up on time, doing their homework, and really committing to making changes in their lives.

"And my highest paying clients are my best clients. They're the ones who do the homework, they're the ones who show up on time... they're the ones that are in it and they're committed and they're going to see the transformations because they're committed to the process." Katherine said

So, what can you do with this? If you run your own business or do freelance work, think about your prices. Are you charging enough to feel calm and secure? Are you charging enough to get rid of that frantic feeling? It’s not about being greedy. It’s about creating a situation where you can do your best work and your clients can get the most value. You're not just doing yourself a favor; you're doing them one, too.

Charging what you're worth helps both you and your clients get better results.

What is happening in your body during fight or flight?

Ever feel like your brain just goes fuzzy when you're stressed out? Maybe you have a hard conversation to start, or you get some surprising news, and suddenly you can't think straight. There's a real reason for that, and it's happening inside your body.

On the show, Desi asked Katherine what literally happens in our bodies when we go into that stressed-out, "fight or flight" mode. Katherine's explanation is super helpful because it shows us it’s not just in our heads. She says our brain actually changes how it works when it feels threatened. Your smart, logical-thinking part of the brain takes a backseat.

“Yeah, usually like when you're in that fight or flight mode, your prefrontal cortex, which is like where you do your logical thinking and your high-level thinking, it basically shuts down and your amygdala takes over, which is, I like to describe it to people as your caveman brain, right?” Katherine said

So that thinking part of your brain goes offline, and the "caveman brain" takes charge. This part of our brain is super old and is only focused on one thing: keeping us alive. It doesn't care about being happy or successful, it just wants to survive. Katherine points out that this system was designed for a very different world.

“our stress responses are made for when we still had predators, right? Oh, there's a cheetah, there's a lion, we gotta run, we gotta aware.” Katherine said

The problem is, our caveman brain can't tell the difference between a real lion and a mean email from your boss. It just senses a threat and hits the panic button. When that happens, it can show up in a few different ways in our modern lives.

• Fight: You might get really defensive and jump into an argument.
• Flee: This can look like avoiding a tough talk or putting off a project you need to do (hello, procrastination).
• Freeze: You might feel completely stuck, unable to make a decision or take any action at all.
• Fawn: This is when you try to make everyone happy by just going along with things, even if it’s not what you want.

When your brain is in this survival mode, it's hard to handle things well. You might walk away from a conversation feeling awful because you didn't say what you really needed to say. It’s not your fault, your brain was just trying to protect you.

The good news is you are not stuck here forever. You can learn to work with this system. Katherine says you can learn to calm this stress response and get your thinking brain back online.

“there are a lot of ways to undo that though, right? Whether it be breathing, taking a breath, box breathing, it can be self-soothing, it can be some sort of ritual or routine you create for yourself to help you um get into the zone.” Katherine said

Even something as simple as taking a few slow, deep breaths can start to tell your body that you're safe. It signals to your caveman brain that there is no lion, and it can stand down. This helps your logical brain come back so you can think clearly again.

Your brain goes into survival mode when you're stressed, but you can learn to calm it down.

You learned how to survive, now you have to learn to be happy

It’s a strange feeling when you finally get the thing you’ve wanted for so long, but you can't seem to enjoy it. Maybe you got the great job or the loving partner, but you’re just waiting for something to go wrong. This is a lot more common than you’d think, especially if you’ve spent most of your life dealing with stress.

On the show, Desi asked Katherine what happens when a woman builds her dream life, but her nervous system is still stuck in the past, expecting trouble. Katherine was honest and said it’s not a fun place to be. You miss out on the good stuff that's right in front of you.

I think what happens is one, you get robbed of joy. Katherine said

You’re not in the moment with the people you care about because you’re too busy worrying. As Katherine explained, "you're you're waiting for that other shoe to drop, or you end up frustrated with yourself because you know you think you should feel one way, but you don't."

Your body is great at learning patterns. For years, it learned how to handle pain, stress, and difficult people. It got very good at keeping you safe and helping you survive. But now that things are calm, your body doesn't know what to do. It feels like something is wrong because peace is not a familiar feeling. Happiness feels strange and even a little unsafe.

This is why Katherine says you have to learn how to be happy, just like you learned how to handle everything else.

What you need to learn now is how to handle joy, how to handle happiness... and and people don't think about that because they just say, well, of course everyone wants to be happy and joyful. Right, but it's also learned like anything else. Katherine said

So how do you do that? You have to practice. You need to find things that genuinely bring you joy and then practice feeling that joy in your body. It is not about just thinking happy thoughts. It’s about teaching your body what happiness feels like so it can get used to it. Katherine calls this finding your "happy place" and learning how to bring that feeling with you.

Here are a few things she suggested that might help you find it:

• Dancing
• Yoga or running
• A grounding exercise
• Affirmations or visualizations

Once you find what works, you can start practicing. When you're in that happy place, pay attention to how your body feels. Then, try to remember that feeling later when you’re not doing that activity. It’s like building a muscle. The more you practice accessing that feeling of joy, the easier it will be to find it, even when things get a little stressful. Katherine says it’s all about "learning how to take that state with you so that you can access it wherever you go."

Your body learned how to survive stress, and now it's your job to teach it how to feel happy.

Listen to the full conversation

This conversation is full of moments that will make you look at your own patterns in a new way. If you feel ready to stop thinking so hard and start feeling instead, you'll want to hear the whole thing. You can listen to the full episode with Katherine Kimball on your favorite podcast app or right here on this page. Go say hi to Katherine on Instagram or check out her work at katavitacoaching.com.