The Operating System Running Your Income Was Built When You Were 7 | Judy Tsuei

Key Takeaways

• 1Your brain is running on an operating system built when you were seven. The strategies that once made you successful can become the ceiling that holds you back.
• 2Many high achievers learn to monetize their wounds by becoming hyper-independent. This can later turn into the baggage that holds you back.
• 3Judy discovered Human Design and felt like she finally had permission to be who she was, instead of fighting her own nature.
• 4Feeling uncomfortable when you're trying to change is not a sign that something is wrong. It's just the gap between your old identity and the new one you're becoming.
• 5To change your outer world, you have to work on your identity first. Who you believe you are is what drives your actions and your environment.
• 6A big struggle for capable women is receiving and allowing. This can be anything from compliments to money or help. It's a muscle that needs to be practiced.
• 7When you are at your lowest point, your brain can tell you lies. It's important to remember that you are not alone and that there is support available for you.
• 8Judy realized she wasn't being honest about what she wanted in her relationship. Voicing her needs was scary but essential for her growth.

What if I gave you a smartphone with an operating system from 30 years ago? Executive coach Judy Tsuei says that's how many of us are living. The programming we got as kids is still running our lives, and it's why we feel stuck. Even when we do all the right things, we can't seem to get to the next level.

Why does it feel like I'm never enough?

Have you ever worked really hard for something, finally got it, and then felt... nothing? It's a weird feeling. You did all the things you were supposed to do, but you still feel like something is missing. You might even look around at your life and think it looks pretty good from the outside, but you feel empty on the inside.

Judy Tsuei, a guest on Desi Batista's show, knows this feeling all too well. She sees it in her clients, and she's lived it herself. She explains that many people she works with have checked all the right boxes in life. They have the career, the family, and all the things that are supposed to make you happy. But it’s not working.

so I bet a lot of your listeners probably are experiencing this too. a lot of my clients do, where they did all the things, they checked all the boxes. they on the surface look like they're pretty happy. they've got the, you know, career or the family or whatever it is. and on the inside, they feel really empty. Judy said

It’s like you’re running a race where the finish line keeps moving. You think, “If I just get this promotion, I’ll be happy.” You get the promotion. For a minute, it feels good. But then the feeling fades, and you’re already looking at the next goal, thinking that will be the thing that finally makes you feel whole. Judy calls this the feeling of "never enough."

or just, you know, continually feeling like it's never enough, like you're not enough. the goals that you're pursuing are not enough. the goalpost keeps moving. so all of those were things that I experienced too. Judy said

She once tried to outrun this feeling by literally moving across the planet. She took a job in China as an arts and entertainment editor. Her life looked glamorous. She went to all the best restaurant and art gallery openings. People even tried to slip her money to get good reviews. But all that success didn't fill the hole she felt inside. In fact, it was one of the lowest points in her life. She realized you can’t run from your own feelings.

and then i got to china and i was like, oh no, i made it to the other side of the world, and here i still am. Judy said

Does any of this sound familiar? Maybe you feel like:

• You are successful on paper, but you don't feel successful inside.
• You're always chasing the next thing, hoping it will make you happy.
• You have a hard time enjoying your accomplishments.
• You feel like you have to keep proving your worth.

This feeling isn’t your fault. And trying to fix it with more goals or more achievements usually doesn't work. The first step is just to notice it. Acknowledge that there's a gap between how your life looks and how it feels. You don't have to fix it today. Just sitting with that awareness is a huge first step.

Feeling empty even when you "have it all" is often a sign that the problem isn't what you're doing, but what you believe about yourself.

My life is the opposite of what a good Chinese girl should do.

Do you ever feel like you're supposed to live a certain kind of life? Maybe your family has a picture of what your future should look like. For guest Judy Tsuei, this feeling was a huge part of her life for a very long time.

A few years ago, Judy had an idea for a book. The title alone tells you a lot about her story: How to Disappoint Your Parents in 10 Shameless Steps. It sounds a little shocking, but she has a good reason for it. As she told our host, Desi, it came from a very personal place.

And it's because I have done everything the opposite of what a good Chinese girl should do. Judy

Growing up, Judy's parents had very specific ideas for her. She described them as "authoritarian, tiger parents." They came with a clear checklist for what success looked like.

My parents were authoritarian, tiger parents, you know, wanted all the A pluses, wanted me to be the doctor, lawyer, engineer. I did not pursue any of those things. Judy

For years, she felt the weight of these expectations. The path she was "supposed" to be on included things like:

• Getting perfect grades
• Becoming a doctor or lawyer
• Never talking about mental health
• Always "saving face" to protect the family's reputation

But Judy’s life looks nothing like that today. And funnily enough, her relationship with her parents is better than ever. She shared a recent story that shows just how much things have changed. After a six-year relationship ended, she did something she never would have done before: she called her dad to tell him.

Her parents then drove down from Los Angeles to see her and her daughter. They said they were coming to help prepare for a Lunar New Year celebration at her granddaughter’s school, but Judy knew the real reason.

But really, they were coming to check on me. And every now and again, they would intersperse little moments of, you know, hopefulness and all that kind of stuff. Judy

This kind of support wouldn't have been possible years ago. It only happened because Judy and her parents all did the work to heal their relationship and understand each other better. She realized that trying to be someone she wasn't was taking up too much energy. Choosing a different path allowed her to build a life that felt right for her, and eventually, it helped her build a healthier connection with her family, too.

So, what can we take from this? It’s a good idea to think about the expectations you feel. Are they coming from you, or from someone else? Understanding where the pressure comes from is the first step to deciding what you truly want for yourself.

Living a life that's true to you is more important than meeting someone else's expectations.

The strategies that got you here become your ceiling.

Have you ever thought about the things that helped you get where you are today? Maybe you're super independent, or you're the person everyone can count on. These skills probably helped you get good grades, land jobs, and feel successful. But what if those same exact things are now holding you back?

It's a strange idea, but it's something Judy Tsuei talks about a lot. She has this great way of explaining it. She asks us to imagine our minds have an operating system, like a phone. But this system was programed when we were kids, between the ages of zero and seven. For Judy, growing up as the oldest daughter of immigrants meant her system was built on survival and scarcity.

She compares this to using an old piece of technology.

So if I handed you a smartphone right now and I said the operating system is from three decades ago, would you use it? Judy said

Of course not! We'd all say no. You couldn't even download most apps. It would be slow and pretty much useless for today's world. But as Judy points out, that's often what we’re doing with our own minds. We're running on old software that we've never updated. What worked for a seven-year-old trying to stay safe doesn't always work for an adult trying to be happy.

The tools that helped us when we were young start to get in the way as we get older.

A lot of times I see that the strategies that got us to where we are have now become our ceilings. Judy said

This is where things get really interesting. Judy says that many of us, especially high achievers, have learned to make money from our childhood pain.

We've also monetized our wounds. We learn how to take whatever was painful, then we learn how to utilize it and like become super resilient. Judy said

It sounds a little weird, but it makes total sense. We take something that hurt us, and we turn it into a skill. We learn to use it to our advantage. People might even praise us for it. But that skill is still tied to an old wound. For example:

• If you felt you couldn't rely on anyone as a kid, you might become fiercely independent. People see you as strong, but you can never ask for help.
• If your home was chaotic, you might become an expert planner. You get promotions for being so organized, but you feel anxious if one thing goes wrong.
• If you had to earn love and attention, you might become a chronic over-worker. Your boss loves your dedication, but you're secretly exhausted and feel like you're never enough.

These strategies we develop are like armor. They protect us when we're young. But we keep wearing the armor long after the battle is over. It gets heavy. It stops us from being able to move freely and connect with people. What once was a tool for survival becomes "baggage," as Judy calls it. The good news is, you don't have to be stuck with that old operating system forever. The first step is just noticing it. Try to identify one strategy you use that might be an old coping skill. Just seeing the pattern is a huge part of changing it.

The same skills that helped you survive might be stopping you from truly living.

You're running on an operating system from 30 years ago.

Have you ever really thought about how your brain works? It’s kind of like a computer, with its own software running everything in the background. But what if that software is super, super old?

Judy Tsuei has a great way of explaining this. She asks a simple question to get you thinking.

So if I handed you a smartphone right now and I said the operating system is from three decades ago, would you use it? Judy said

The answer is probably a big "no." An old phone like that would be slow. It wouldn't be able to run any new apps. It would pretty much be useless for what you need today. Well, Judy says that's exactly what's going on inside our heads. Many of us are trying to live our adult lives using a program that was installed when we were kids.

Judy explains that "your unconscious mind has an operating system that was built between the ages of zero to seven." Think about that. When you were around seven years old, your brain was building the program that would decide how you see the world. It was learning how to keep you safe and what to believe about things like money, love, and what you're worth.

For Judy, her "operating system" was built on the experience of having immigrant parents who were focused on survival. She learned about scarcity and the feeling that there was never enough. As the oldest of four kids, she learned to be hyper-independent and always responsible. That was the software her brain created to help her get by.

What kind of stuff programmed your operating system when you were a kid? It was probably based on things you saw and heard every day, like:

• What your parents said about money (“money doesn’t grow on trees”).
• Feeling like you always had to be a “good” girl or boy.
• The idea that you had to struggle and work really hard for everything.
• Trying to prove you were smart enough or good enough.

Those old rules helped you survive childhood. But now, as an adult trying to build a career or make more money, that same programming might be holding you back. The very things that helped you then might be the reason you feel stuck now. You're trying to run modern, complex life situations on a system that was built for a seven-year-old.

The good news is you don't have to be stuck with that old software forever. You can get an upgrade. The first step is just realizing that this old program is running. When you update it, you can finally see the opportunities that have been around you the whole time.

...your brain literally deleted, distorted, or generalized that information so you couldn't even see it, but it was available to you all along. So now I've just helped you change the filter and upgraded your OS so now you can see it all. Judy said

It’s not magic. It’s just about updating the system so your brain stops filtering out all the good stuff. You can finally see what's possible.

Your brain is running on old software, and it's time for an update.

I ran to the other side of the world, and here I still am.

Have you ever thought that if you could just get a fresh start somewhere else, everything would be better? It’s a common feeling to think a new city or a different job will fix all your problems. But our issues have a funny way of packing themselves into our suitcases and coming right along with us.

Judy Tsuei learned this the hard way. She was struggling with a lot of heavy stuff, including an eating disorder she’d had for over 20 years. Feeling worn out and desperate for a huge change, she decided to do something extreme. She didn't just move to a new state.

...I ran all the way around the world. Literally, I moved from South Carolina, where I was living for a job working at an ad agency, all the way to China. Judy said

Imagine leaving your whole life behind and moving to another country. From the outside, her new life in China looked perfect. She had a very cool job and got all kinds of special treatment that people would dream of.

• She was the arts and entertainment editor for a publication.
• She got invited to all the fancy new restaurant openings.
• She went to all the cool art gallery events.
• People would even slip her envelopes of money, hoping she would write a good story about them.

It sounds like a dream job, doesn't it? But for Judy, none of that success meant anything. The parties and attention couldn't fill the empty feeling she had inside. After she got settled in, she had a big, scary realization. The new country didn't give her a new self. The person she was in America was the same person she was in China.

And then I got to China and I was like, oh no, I made it to the other side of the world, and here I still am. Judy said

That feeling of "here I still am" hit her hard. All the problems she tried to leave behind were staring her right in the face again. In fact, things got even worse. The move didn't fix her issues, it made them bigger because she had nowhere else to run. There were no more distractions.

So it was kind of like the lowest point of my life where my eating disorder was super rampant. Judy said

This was a rock-bottom moment for her. She had done the most extreme thing she could think of to escape her pain, and it didn't work. The experience finally forced her to see that real change couldn't come from a new address on a map. She realized she had to go home and start dealing with her problems from the inside out.

You don't have to move across the world to know this feeling. Maybe you’ve changed jobs thinking it would make you happy, only to feel the same stress pop up again. Or maybe you ended a relationship hoping for a clean slate, but found yourself falling into the same old patterns. It’s easy to believe that an outside change will fix an inside problem. But as Judy’s story shows, you can't run from yourself. The next time you feel the urge to escape, try sitting with the feeling for a minute. Ask yourself what you're really trying to get away from.

You can't change your location to fix a problem that lives in your head.

What is Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP)?

Have you ever felt like you're trying everything to fix a problem, but nothing really works? Judy Tsuei felt that way for a long time. She wanted to feel better on the inside, but no matter what she did, she just couldn't get there. It was like hitting a wall again and again.

Before finding what finally worked, Judy tried almost every kind of healing you can think of. She didn’t just dabble. She went all in. Here are just some of the things she tried:

• Traditional therapy
• Becoming a yoga teacher
• Getting trained as a Reiki practitioner
• Hypnotherapy
• Even going to a retreat where someone put a device on her brain to try and rewire it

She said that everything helped her get a little bit further, but nothing gave her the big change she was looking for. Then, she found something that did. It’s called Neurolinguistic Programming, or NLP for short.

“Nothing that I found was as effective as neurolinguistic programming in helping me to get to that next level.” , Judy

So, what is it? Judy explains it with a really simple idea. She says that the part of your mind that runs on autopilot, your unconscious mind, is like a computer. And that computer has an operating system. But here’s the problem.

“Your unconscious mind has an operating system that was built between the ages of zero to seven.” , Judy

Think about that. The “software” running your life was created when you were a little kid. All the things you learned about safety, money, what you were good at, and what was possible for you got programmed in before you even knew what was happening. To make this point really clear, Judy asks a simple question.

“So if I handed you a smartphone right now and I said the operating system is from three decades ago, would you use it?” , Judy

Of course not! It would be slow, glitchy, and it wouldn't be able to run any of the new apps. Judy says that’s exactly what’s happening in our brains if we’ve never done an update. This old system filters everything. It decides what you notice and what you ignore. Opportunities might be right in front of you, but your brain just hides them because they don't fit the old programming. NLP is a way to get into that system and finally install an update. It helps you change those old beliefs quickly. That’s why some of her clients say it feels like decades of therapy in just a few hours.

You can try thinking about your own operating system. What messages did you get about the world when you were a really small child? Thinking about those old rules can be the first step to seeing where your personal software might need an update.

Your brain might be running on old software that keeps you from seeing what's possible.

What does it mean to have permission to be yourself?

Have you ever felt tired from trying to be someone you're not? It takes a lot of work to pretend. You have to watch what you say and do, and it can feel like you're always fighting against yourself. Judy Tsuei knows exactly what that's like.

For a long time, Judy felt like she was the odd one out. She called herself a "black sheep." It seemed like she was always going against what people expected of her, and trying to fit in was exhausting. She said the effort it took was huge.

The energy that it was requiring to try to not be who I was was just taking up so much weight in my life. Judy Tsuei

But then, something happened that changed how she saw herself. While she was living in Kauai, she learned about a system called Human Design. Judy explained it as a kind of blueprint for how you operate in the world. She asked a simple question about it.

...if you could know what that blueprint was, how freeing would that be for you to be who you were meant to be? Judy Tsuei

She went to a Human Design event, and something amazing happened. The person running the event put her personal chart up on a big screen for everyone to see. Then, he started describing her life and her personality. He knew things about her without ever having met her. Judy said she just started laughing because it was so accurate.

Seeing all her traits spelled out like that was a huge relief. It was the first time she felt like it was okay to be exactly who she was.

And it felt like for the first time in my life, I had permission to be who I was. It was like looking at something that was explaining to me this is why you operate this way. And it felt so freeing. Judy Tsuei

It was like someone handed her a permission slip for her own life. She realized she wasn't just "weird" or "difficult." Her personality had a pattern. It was just how she was built. She didn't have to keep fighting it anymore. Many of us feel like we have to hide parts of ourselves to get by. We worry that if people saw the real us, they wouldn't like us or accept us. We try to be more organized, less loud, more serious, or less sensitive. But trying to change your basic nature is a battle you can't really win.

So, how can you start giving yourself this same kind of permission? You don't necessarily need a Human Design chart to begin. You can start by just paying attention.

• Notice when you're trying to fit in. When do you feel like you're putting on an act? Is it at work? With certain friends?
• Think about what you're hiding. What parts of yourself do you push down? Maybe it's your silly side, your creative ideas, or your need for quiet time.
• Ask what would happen if you stopped. What would it feel like to just let that part of you exist without judging it?
• Look for things that help you understand yourself. This could be anything from talking with a good friend to taking a fun personality quiz online. The goal is just to see yourself more clearly.

When you stop trying to be someone else, you free up so much energy. You can use that energy to build a life that actually fits you.

Giving yourself permission to just be you is a huge gift.

How motherhood helped me heal my body.

Sometimes, a big change in our lives can completely shift how we see things. For Judy, becoming a mom was one of those big changes. It wasn't just about having a child. The whole experience of pregnancy and birth changed the way she thought about her own body.

For years, Judy had a tough relationship with her body. She struggled with an eating disorder for a long time. But her pregnancy was a turning point. It was really, really hard. She was sick all the time.

I was sick the entire pregnancy, projectile vomiting everywhere, could not function. Judy said

This experience was so difficult, but it gave her a new point of view. Being so sick all the time made her think about her past eating disorder in a new way. Forcing her body to purge was something she used to choose to do. Now, she had no choice, and it was awful. It made her wonder why she ever put herself through that on purpose.

why did I ever think to do this voluntarily to myself? Judy said

After the difficult pregnancy, she had a natural childbirth. And then something amazing happened. Her body recovered really quickly. Judy said that within a week, her body was almost back to the way it was before. It felt like her body was trying to tell her something.

It was like her body was saying, "Hey, look at what we just did. We made a person! We are strong. Can we please stop fighting and be on the same team now?" It was a really important moment for her.

it was this moment of my body showing me, like, look what we did. We created a life, we brought all of these things to you. Can we finally get on the same page and like, you know, work together on this? Judy said

That was the start of a new relationship between Judy and her body. After everything they had been through together, she started to see her body as a partner instead of a problem to be controlled. This experience taught her a lot about listening to what her body needs.

If you want to start listening to your body more, you don't have to wait for a huge life event. You can start with small things.

• Notice your energy. Are you really tired? Maybe you need a nap instead of another cup of coffee.
• Pay attention to hunger. Eat when you feel hungry. Stop when you feel full. It sounds simple, but many of us ignore these signals.
• Move in ways that feel good. Don't force yourself to do workouts you hate. Find an activity you actually enjoy.
• Listen to the little aches. A sore back or a stiff neck might be telling you to stretch, change your chair, or take a break.

Learning to listen to your body is like learning a new language. It takes time, but it's worth it. It can help you find more peace and stop fighting against yourself.

Sometimes it takes a big life change to help you finally see your body as a friend.

What really has to change to see results?

Have you ever tried to change a habit and it just wouldn't stick? You make lists, you set reminders, but nothing really changes. It’s so frustrating. Judy says a lot of us are trying to fix things from the bottom up, but we’re missing the most important part.

It's not about just changing what you do. It’s about changing who you believe you are. Judy explains that we all have different levels of change, and our identity is at the very top. Trying to change your actions without changing your identity is like pushing a huge rock up a hill. It's way easier to start at the top and let the changes flow down.

When you do the identity level work, you're working at the top. Who am I? Who do I believe that I am? Judy said

Think of it like a waterfall. The water starts at the top and everything else flows from there. It's the same with us.

• Who you are (your identity)
• What you believe (your values)
• What you can do (your skills)
• What you do (your actions)
• Where you are (your surroundings)

When you work on who you believe you are, the other things start to change more easily. Your actions start to feel natural, not forced.

Judy shared a story about this. She was in a good relationship, but she was hiding what she really wanted. She wanted to get married one day, buy a house, and have a partner who loved her daughter like his own. For a long time, she didn't say anything because deep down, she maybe didn't feel like she could ask for those things. But then, on a trip to Mexico, she decided to change her identity into someone who speaks up for what she wants.

She told her partner, "I think it's time for me to acknowledge that I'm not gonna pretend I don't want these things anymore." It was a scary moment for her, but she did it. She started acting like the person she wanted to be.

That’s how this works. You decide who you want to be, and then you start doing little things that this new person would do. Your actions become proof to your brain that something has changed. As Judy puts it, your brain starts to catch on.

If you work at the identity level, your behaviors just become convincers that something's changed. You're gonna notice as you move through life, you're doing things differently or you're thinking about things differently. And you're like, wait, what? That was just so natural. Judy said

So what can you do with this? Start small. You don’t have to completely change overnight. Just ask yourself, "What would the person I want to be do right now?" Maybe they would drink a glass of water instead of soda. Maybe they would go for a five-minute walk. Each tiny action is you telling your brain, "Hey, this is who I am now." It’s about taking small sips of your new identity until it becomes your new normal.

To really change your life, you have to start by changing who you believe you are.

You are not alone in this.

It's so easy to feel like you're the only one going through something hard. When things get really tough, it can feel like you're completely alone. But Judy wants everyone to know that this just isn't true, and that help is always there if you need it.

She bravely shared her own experience with this. After her daughter was born, she had a really difficult time. As she explained, she was dealing with a lot.

"I'm speaking from experience, like I had severe postpartum depression. I um, you know, and I got to that point where my brain was telling me lies essentially." Judy said

This went on for two years. Her brain was telling her things that weren't true, making her feel hopeless. Thankfully, her ex-husband's father, who is a doctor, sensed that something was seriously wrong. He called and asked how Judy was doing. At first, her husband said she was fine. But his dad called back the very next day and asked the same exact question. That's when her husband admitted that she wasn't doing well at all. His dad told him that Judy needed to see a doctor right away, and that gave her the push she needed.

When she went to the doctor, she was at her lowest point. But the doctor looked right at her and said something that changed everything. She told Judy that what she was going through was a solvable problem. Then she said something Judy will never forget.

"But if you choose to commit suicide, that is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I need you to understand that." Judy said

Hearing those words spoken so clearly helped Judy see what was happening. It made her realize that her own mind was playing tricks on her. As she put it, she understood in that moment, "oh, my brain's not functioning well right now." She knew she needed help. This is a key message she wants to share with anyone who feels like they are at their breaking point. Your brain can lie to you when you are in that dark place. There is always support available.

If you ever feel like you're at the edge, it's so important to remember a few things:

• You are not the only one who has ever felt this way.
• Your brain might be telling you things that feel true but aren't.
• There are people and resources available to help you.
• Even the biggest problems can be temporary.

You don't have to carry this weight by yourself. So many people wait until they hit rock bottom to ask for help, but you don't have to wait. Reaching out is the first step toward seeing things clearly again.

Just remember that you are not alone, and asking for help is a sign of strength.

Listen to the full conversation

There is so much more in this conversation with Judy Tsuei. If you've ever felt like something was off but could not put your finger on it, you'll want to hear the whole thing. Listen to the full episode to learn more about how to update your own internal programming. You can find Judy on her website, judytsuei.com, or on LinkedIn and Instagram.