You Know Your Worth But Can’t Reach Your Goals? | Tracy Astle

Key Takeaways

• 1The 'not enough' feeling shows up everywhere. It can make you feel like a bad mom, a bad employee, or bad with money.
• 2Many women 'self-objectify'. This means we are always watching and judging ourselves instead of just living in the moment.
• 3These patterns often start in childhood. They can come from what our parents expected or what society teaches us about being a woman.
• 4There's a big difference between your 'true identity' and a 'performed identity'. Tracy says our true identity is knowing we are a daughter of God.
• 5When someone is acting horribly, it's usually their own 'stuff'. Seeing them as a child of God can help you not take it personally.
• 6Big goals often fail if your identity hasn't caught up. It's why lottery winners often lose all their money.
• 7God doesn't ask you to be perfect right now. He just asks you to follow him.
• 8When you're starting to change, the first step is to just ask for help. Pray and be open to how the answer might show up.

My guest, Tracy Astle, told me something I can’t stop thinking about. She said most women know they're worthy in their head. But in their heart, they're not sure if they can live up to it. That gap is where everything stalls. The income, the dream, and the life she actually wants.

It started with feeling like a project.

Have you ever felt like you did everything you were supposed to do, but it still wasn't enough? You followed the rules, you were a "good girl," but deep down, there was this constant feeling that you needed to be better. That’s exactly how Tracy Astle felt for a long time.

On the outside, Tracy was doing great. She was happy and living a good life. But she explained that inside, something was always nagging at her. It was a constant, quiet pressure telling her she wasn't quite measuring up.

I was happy and but I felt just this internal pressure all the time of you know, was I doing well enough, was I being good enough, and so so um aware of my my weaknesses, my shortcomings, and um so always trying to work to improve those. Tracy

She was always focused on her weaknesses. It became a habit to constantly try to "improve" herself. Looking back, she realized what was really going on. She was treating herself like a personal improvement project that never ended.

I didn't realize how much a project I was treating myself like, but it was always like there was always something, always something that I needed to be doing better and that kind of thing. Tracy

This feeling showed up the most in her relationship with her body. She was always dieting and exercising, but not for her health. It was all about losing weight or making sure she didn't gain any. It was a constant fight, and she was getting tired. She had a feeling that things weren't supposed to be this hard. She just wanted to feel normal around food.

I just want to be able to eat and you know, trust my body enough to eat what it's telling me it needs. Tracy

For Tracy, being a "good girl" meant she had to have a certain body shape and size. She felt she had to follow all the diets and exercise plans that society tells women to use. But using these things made her feel disconnected from herself. The pressure to exercise "correctly" and watch her weight became another part of her good girl behavior. It got so bad that she actually had to stop exercising completely for a while because her feelings about it were so negative. She would just go for walks because that was all she could handle without falling back into that bad mindset.

It can be hard to see when you're caught in this cycle. For Tracy, it looked like this:

• Always dieting for weight loss, not for health.
• Feeling like she couldn't trust her own body's signals for hunger.
• Constantly finding new "flaws" that she needed to fix.
• Feeling like there was always something she needed to do better.

Take a second to think about your own life. Are there parts where you feel like you’re always trying to "fix" something? It could be your body, your career, or even how you are as a mom or friend. Just noticing where that pressure comes from is a good first step.

Always trying to be "good" can make you feel like a project that's never finished.

What does the 'not enough' voice sound like?

Have you ever had a little voice in your head that just won't quit? It's the one that tells you you’re not quite getting it right. Tracy Astle talked to Desi about this feeling, and it turns out, it shows up in almost every part of our lives.

For moms, this voice can be especially loud. It doesn't matter if you stay at home or work outside the home, that feeling finds a way in. Tracy explained that even when you love your kids and are trying your best, you can get stuck focusing on what you think you're doing wrong.

It's the if you're a mom, it's the you're doing everything you can, your heart is in it, you you love your children, and you're doing the best you can to be a good mom, but you see all of your shortcomings all the time. Tracy

If you're a stay-at-home mom, the voice might say you're not doing enough fun activities with your kids. If you work, you might feel guilty for not being with them, but then you also feel like you're not giving your job enough attention. It's a tug-of-war in your own mind. Tracy described this double-sided guilt perfectly.

I'm not as good an employee as I could be because I'm focused on being a mom. I'm not as good a mom as I can be because I'm I need to work too. Tracy

This "not enough" voice isn't just for moms, though. It pops up everywhere. Tracy mentioned that because we see a gap between who we are and who we think we should be, we get stuck. We feel like there's a big problem we have to solve, which is ourselves.

It can show up in lots of different ways:

• With food and dieting: You start a new eating plan and promise yourself you’ll be perfect. The first time you slip up, the voice chimes in. It says you have no discipline and no willpower, making you feel like a failure.
• With your faith: You might feel like you know how you're supposed to live, but you don't think you're measuring up. The voice tells you you're only at a "three out of ten," even when that's not true.
• With your money: You know you should be saving more or spending less. But then you find yourself in the drive-thru line again. That voice is right there to remind you.
• With your business: Even if your business is doing well, that voice might tell you that you should be growing it bigger and faster. It says you're not successful enough unless you're always pushing for more.

Tracy shared a simple, everyday example of this.

I know all the good financial rules, and I still go to Starbucks every day and spend more money than I should. Tracy

It's this constant feeling that we are a project that always needs fixing. We either try really hard to improve ourselves all the time, or we just give up and decide we'll never be enough. Neither one feels very good. The first step to quiet that voice is just to notice when it pops up. Just try to hear it without getting mad at yourself.

That voice telling you you're not enough shows up in all parts of life, making you feel like you always have to fix yourself.

Where did this feeling even come from?

That nagging feeling that you aren't quite good enough can feel like it came out of nowhere. But for a lot of women, it’s been there for as long as they can remember. When Desi asked Tracy how early this feeling started for her, she had a story that many of us might find familiar.

It goes all the way back to her childhood. Tracy explained that she grew up with two very different messages from her parents. On one hand, her mom made her feel like she could do no wrong. On the other hand, her dad was a different story. He was a wonderful man, but he wasn't very connected to his emotions. He always pushed his kids to do their best. For Tracy, this combination felt like no matter what she did, it wasn't quite right.

I just felt like I whatever I did was never gonna be good enough for my dad. Ever. Tracy said

She felt she was getting two opposite messages at the same time. This left her with a feeling of not being good enough that she says has been there forever.

And so for me, it legitimately goes back as far as I can remember. Tracy said

It wasn’t just her family, though. Our whole culture can send these kinds of mixed messages. We hear about the "American dream" and are told we can be and do anything we want. This is great in theory, but it can also create a lot of pressure. It becomes a constant push to be more, do more, and have more.

Tracy points out how this mindset can be tricky.

• Your business is doing well, but you feel like you should be scaling it ten times bigger.
• You're told you can be whatever you want, which sounds great, but can also make you feel like you're failing if you're not a CEO.
• There's a belief that being happy with where you are is settling.

This way of thinking easily turns into a feeling of not being enough.

If there's always more, if there's always bigger, if they're always better, then that always means that we're just not quite enough. Tracy said

It creates a cycle where we are always reaching for the next thing, never feeling satisfied with where we are right now. The problem isn't the desire to grow. The problem is when that desire makes you feel like who you are today is not okay.

So, take a minute to think. Where did your own "not enough" voice start? You don't have to have a big solution. Just noticing where it comes from is a good first step.

Understanding where the "not enough" feeling started is the first step to changing it.

We are always watching ourselves.

Have you ever felt like you're watching yourself from the outside? It’s like a part of your brain isn't living your life, but is instead busy judging it. You’re talking to a friend, but you’re also thinking, “Is my story boring?” or “Do I sound silly right now?” Tracy Astle talked about this feeling, and she gave it a name that makes so much sense.

She explained it using an example we can all relate to. Imagine you're giving a big presentation at work. You know your stuff, and people are paying attention. But instead of just being in that moment, a little voice in your head starts up. It’s worrying about things that have nothing to do with your presentation. Tracy said you might be thinking, "I probably should not have worn this color shirt,” or worrying, “Do I have something in my teeth?" You're physically there, but mentally, you’re split in two.

This idea comes from a book called More Than a Body. Tracy explained the concept they call self-objectification.

...we just live in this constant state of monitoring, and we end up with that instead of just being in our body and living our life, we kind of like step outside of our body and are judging ourselves. Tracy said

It’s like we’re always looking at ourselves from a distance instead of just being ourselves. We treat our own lives like a movie we are reviewing in real time. This constant self-checking is exhausting, and it creates what Tracy calls a "split feeling." You can't be fully present in any moment if you’re also busy grading your own performance.

And this doesn't just happen during big presentations. It seeps into everything. Tracy said it’s a constant mind game we play with ourselves.

And so it's like just this constant, you know, just this mind game that we play, and it touches every area of life. Tracy said

She listed so many small moments where this shows up. It’s a running commentary in our heads about nearly every choice we make. It pops up when you’re thinking about:

• Dinner: If you bring home takeout, you feel guilty for not cooking. If you cook, you feel guilty that it's taking too long.
• What you’re wearing: Is it right for the occasion? Does it make you look a certain way?
• What you’re buying: Should you be spending this money?
• Your relationships: Are you being a good enough partner or parent?

This habit of watching ourselves means we can't fully connect with the people around us. When Desi asked how this affects our relationships, Tracy explained that you just can't be completely there with someone. If your mind is split between the conversation and your own internal review, the other person isn't getting all of you. They might even feel like you’re distracted or somewhere else, because you are.

So instead of being fully there and just fully present, we're just this constant self-monitoring, and that we end up with living this kind of split feeling. Tracy said

The first step to changing this is just noticing when you're doing it. When you catch yourself stepping outside your body to judge it, you can choose to come back inside and just live.

Living life as a spectator in your own body keeps you from being the main character.

This makes it hard to connect with people.

Have you ever been talking to someone and you could just tell they weren't really listening? They might be looking right at you, but their mind is a million miles away. It feels a little weird, right? Well, that feeling of not being present is something a lot of us do to ourselves, and it can really mess with our relationships.

When you're always worried about not being good enough, your brain gets stuck in a loop. Tracy Astle talked about this with Desi. She mentioned a book called More Than a Body that talks about "self-objectification." That's a big word, but the idea is simple. It's when you're constantly watching and judging yourself, almost like you're outside your own body looking in. You're not living your life; you're critiquing it. Instead of just being in the moment, you're split in two. Part of you is doing the thing, and the other part is giving you a grade on it.

Instead of being fully there and just fully present, we're just this constant self-monitoring, and that we end up with living this kind of split feeling. Tracy Astle

When your head is full of this chatter, there's not much room for anyone else. It makes it hard to connect with people. Think about it. If you're talking to a friend but you're worrying about a mistake you made at work or if your jeans still fit, you aren't really with your friend. You're with your own worries. People can usually sense this disconnection.

You’ve probably been around people that you can tell when you're with them, they're, I mean, they might even be making eye contact, which is the way they're doing it, you know their brain is somewhere else. Tracy Astle

Sometimes it's super obvious when someone is distracted. Other times, it's more quiet. Tracy says that because so many of us do this, we sometimes just accept it from each other. But even if it’s accepted, it still creates distance. You can't build a strong friendship, a close bond with your partner, or a trusting relationship with your kids if you're only giving them half of your attention. The other half is busy judging you. This constant self-monitoring touches everything, from what you wear to how you talk to your family.

So, what can we do about it? You don't have to fix it all at once. The first step is just to see it happening.

But really, like with anything, the first step toward um making any change and and improving it at all is just noticing that it's happening. Tracy Astle

Try to catch yourself the next time you feel your mind split. Pay attention when you're with someone you care about.

• Are you thinking about what you look like?
• Are you planning what intelligent thing you'll say next?
• Are you going over your mental to-do list?
• Are you thinking about what you should be doing instead?

Just notice it. Don't judge yourself for it (that's just more of the same thing!). Simply bring your attention back to the person in front of you. This small act of noticing and returning is a huge first step toward being more present with the people who matter.

When you're busy judging yourself, you can't truly be there for other people.

What is your 'true identity'?

Have you ever thought about where your real identity comes from? Is it your job title, how much money you make, or what other people think of you? Tracy Astle believes our true identity is something much deeper, and for her, it’s connected to her faith.

Tracy shared a story about a time this idea really helped her. She helps out at her son's auto repair shop a few days a week. One day, a customer called, and he was very, very angry. He started yelling at her over the phone before she could even say much. It would have been easy for her to get defensive. She could have told him he had no right to talk to her that way. But she didn't. Instead, she tried to remember her core belief.

She sees herself as a daughter of God, and she tries to see other people that way, too. Looking at this angry man through that lens changed everything. She realized he wasn't really a bad guy. He was just having a really bad day.

I know that he is not a person who wants to go through life acting like this and yelling at people. And and if he does, if he actually is that kind of person, then there's something even more going on because that's not how we came from God. Tracy

So, she just let him talk. She listened while he vented all his frustration. She realized this wasn't about her at all. It was his own stuff. After he finished, she calmly asked what he needed. Her son heard the whole thing and was ready to call the man back to defend his mom. But Tracy told him it was okay. The next day, the man called back. He was very sorry and explained that he just had a lot of other things going on.

Because I was able to see him for who he was and treat him that way and give him that grace, it allowed him to, you know, come down. Tracy

Thinking about someone's true identity helps you give them grace, even when they're "acting the fool," as Tracy says. It helps you remember that their behavior isn't always a personal attack. When someone is being difficult, you can step back and see them differently.

Tracy explains that when you see someone as a child of God, you can hold a better space for them.

I can hold them in a different space. And I can give them space to, you know, goodness knows, we all are, um, we're all just a mess in in different ways. And when we can sit back and not be judgmental of how somebody else's mess shows up and just give them space, then... we can actually help them get out of that mess. Tracy

So what can you do the next time someone is driving you crazy? You can try to see them the way Tracy does.

• Take a deep breath before you react.
• Remind yourself that their actions might not be about you.
• Ask yourself what might be going on in their life to make them act this way.
• Try listening instead of immediately defending yourself.

Seeing others through a lens of grace can change a bad situation into a better one.

How to not take things personally.

It’s super hard when someone gets angry with you, especially when you did nothing wrong. Your first thought is probably to defend yourself or get angry right back. But what if that just makes things worse? Tracy shared a story that gives a totally different way to handle moments like that.

She helps out at her son's auto repair shop, and one day a customer called who was really, really angry. Tracy said he was just letting her have it.

"one day this customer called and they were literally just yelling at me on the phone." Tracy said

She knew she didn’t deserve to be yelled at. It would have been easy to get mad and tell him off. But instead, she tried something else. After a couple of tries to talk to him, she realized he wasn't listening. He just needed to get his frustration out. So she decided to see him differently. She reminded herself that this person was probably not a bad guy. This anger wasn't who he really was.

"I know that he is not a person who wants to go through life acting like this and yelling at people. And and if he does, if he actually is that kind of person, then there's something even more going on because that's not how we came from God." Tracy said

By thinking this way, she was able to stay calm. She just let him yell until he ran out of steam. Then, she simply asked what he wanted to do next. Her son heard the whole thing and was ready to call the customer back to defend his mom. But Tracy told him it was okay. She handled it. And guess what? The next day, the customer called back and apologized. He said he was sorry and that he had a lot of other stuff going on.

Tracy’s choice to not fight back changed everything. She gave the man space to be upset without making it about her. Because of that, he was able to calm down and see that he had been unfair.

"because I was able to see him for who he was and treat him that way and give him that grace, it allowed him to, you know, come down." Tracy said

This doesn't mean you should always let people walk all over you. Tracy is clear that sometimes you do need to stand up for yourself. But many times, when someone is upset, it has nothing to do with you. They are just letting out their own stress.

So, what can you do the next time someone is angry with you?

• Take a breath. Don’t react right away. Give yourself a second to think.
• Tell yourself it's not about you. Most of the time, the other person’s anger is about their own problems.
• Try to see them differently. Think about them as a person who is having a bad day, not just as an angry jerk.
• Decide what to do. You can either give them space to vent, or you can calmly tell them that you won't be spoken to that way. Choosing not to escalate the problem often works best.

Seeing the good in someone, even when they're at their worst, can change the whole situation.

Why we fall back into old patterns.

Have you ever wondered why some people get exactly what they wished for, only to lose it all? It happens a lot, especially with big things like money or success. It’s a huge letdown when you finally reach a goal, but then you slide right back to where you started.

Tracy explained why this happens, and it’s not what you might think. A great example is people who win the lottery. They dream of a big payday to solve all their problems. Then, boom, they get it. But a year later, the money is often gone, and sometimes they're in an even worse spot than before. They got what they wanted, but it didn't last. Tracy says it's because their inner self didn't change with their bank account.

...because my mentality is still down here and my identity is still down here, they end up right back down there. Tracy Astle

It's like they hit the jackpot, but their brain didn't. They were still running on the old programming of someone who doesn't have money. They hadn't become the kind of person who knows how to manage millions.

Tracy shared another amazing story about Jamie Kern Lima. Jamie started a makeup company called IT Cosmetics in her living room. She worked hard for years and built it into a huge business. Eventually, she sold it for more than a billion dollars. One of her lifelong heroes was Oprah Winfrey. After selling her company, she actually met Oprah, and Oprah gave Jamie her personal phone number! You'd think that would be the best moment ever. But for four years, Jamie was too scared to call.

And she realized because she didn't feel she still, with all of those accomplishments, she still didn't feel worthy of being a friend of Oprah's. Tracy Astle

Jamie had all the success anyone could ask for, but she didn't feel like she belonged. Her idea of herself hadn't caught up to her new reality. This is the pattern that keeps us stuck. We try to jump from where we are to where we want to be as fast as possible, but we skip a really important step. We don't change who we believe we are on the inside.

Desi asked how often Tracy sees people fall back when their identity hasn't changed. Tracy's answer was simple.

Right, every time. Tracy Astle

Every single time. If we don’t do the slow work of changing our identity, we'll always end up back at square one. It's a cycle that looks like this:

• You decide you want something different in your life.
• You find a quick fix to get you there, like a crash diet or a lottery ticket.
• You reach the goal and get the thing you wanted.
• But you still see yourself as the "before" person.
• Your old habits creep back in, and you lose what you gained.

Changing your identity isn't fast. It takes patience. But it’s the only way to make real, lasting changes in your life. You have to become the person who can have the things you want.

If you don't change who you believe you are, your circumstances won't change for long.

What faith is for.

Sometimes we get the idea that if we're good people, life should be easy. If we have faith, shouldn't things just work out? But Tracy says that's not really what faith is for. It doesn't promise a life without problems. Instead, it gives us something to hold onto when things get really, really hard.

Tracy shared a very personal story to explain this. When her sister passed away, she was only 38 years old and had a little three-year-old daughter. Tracy was heartbroken. More than anything, she worried that her niece would be too young to ever remember her mom. "That just tore my heart apart," Tracy said. It was one of the hardest things she ever went through.

In that difficult time, Tracy turned to her faith. She prayed about her fear, and she felt a very strong answer come to her.

...very strongly being prompted that that my niece was in his hands, and he was he would not do anything, would not call her to walk through anything that would ultimately damage her eternal possibilities. Tracy said

This message didn't change the sad situation. Her sister was still gone. But it changed how Tracy could face it. She could trust that her niece was being looked after, even if she couldn't see how. She learned that faith isn't about getting an easy life. As Tracy explained, if you follow the example of Christ, you can’t expect life to be easy.

...if we want to be like him, we can't expect easy, but what we can expect is peace and purpose and understanding and living from our identity and understanding that identity... Tracy said

So what does this mean for us? It means we don't have to understand everything to have peace. Tracy mentioned a poem about a weaver making a rug. From our side, all we can see is the messy back with tangled threads. But the weaver sees the whole design and knows that every color, even the dark ones, is needed to make something beautiful.

...the dark threads are as needful in the weaver's skillful hand as the threads of gold and silver in the pattern that he planned. Tracy said

Faith is about trusting the weaver, even when all you can see is a mess. It's knowing that you're not alone in the hard times and that there's a bigger picture you might not see yet.

If you're going through something hard and don't know where to turn, Tracy suggests starting here:

• Reach out and pray. Even if you're not sure what to say, just ask for help.
• Turn to scriptures. If you don't know where to start, you can search for topics online or even try what Tracy calls "scripture roulette" and just open a page.
• Listen for an answer. It might not be a loud voice. It could be a feeling, a song on the radio, or a text from a friend. Be open to how it might show up.

Faith helps us walk through the fire, not around it. It gives us a hand to hold when we can’t see the path ahead.

Faith isn't a promise that you won't face storms, but it's an anchor that holds you steady when you do.

What's the first step I can take?

If you’ve been listening and thinking, “Wow, this is my life,” you might be feeling a little stuck. It’s one thing to know there’s a problem, but it’s another thing to know what to do about it. So, what’s the very first step you can take when you feel like you’re drowning in that "not enough" feeling? Tracy says it’s actually a lot simpler than you might think.

When Desi asked her what to do first, Tracy didn’t give a complicated five-step plan. She just said to reach out to God.

I would say get on her knees and pray. Or go for a walk and pray. Or just really reach out. Tracy

That’s it. Just start a conversation. Tracy knows that this can feel hard, especially if you’re not even sure what you believe. If you’re in that spot, she suggests being honest about it. You don't have to pretend you have it all figured out. Just start where you are.

First of all, if you have if you're having trouble, trouble seeing, believing in him, then just say, I I hope you're there, but I don't know. Can you help me see that? Can you help me feel that? Can you help me know that? Tracy

After you ask for help, the next part is to listen. Tracy says one of the best ways to listen is by turning to his words in the scriptures. We live in a time where it’s so easy to find them. If you don't know where to start, you can just look up verses about hope or strength. Tracy even has a little game she plays when she feels lost and needs to hear something. She calls it "scripture roulette."

I just need to just get to the scriptures and I just open it to a page and stick my finger down and read it. And it's shocking how many times, like, oh my gosh, that's exactly like sometimes really specifically what I needed to hear. Tracy

The most important part of listening is to be open. The answer might not come in the way you expect. We can’t set the rules for how God answers us. So, when you ask for help, try to pay attention to all the little things around you. The answer could come in so many different ways.

According to Tracy, an answer might look like:

• A strong feeling of peace that comes over you.
• Seeing something simple in nature, like a bird, that feels important.
• A song coming on the radio with lyrics that speak right to you.
• A friend sending you a text message that feels like it was just for you.
• A random phone call that changes your day.

The possibilities are endless. You just have to be willing to ask and then keep your eyes and ears open. It's not about one huge, thundering moment. It’s about being open to the small, quiet ways God might be trying to talk to you every single day.

The first step is to ask for help and then be ready to listen for the answer.

Listen to the full conversation

It's one thing to know your worth in your head. It's another thing to feel it in your heart and live like it's true. If you feel that gap, you're not alone. You can hear my full conversation with Tracy by playing the episode at the top of this page. To learn more about her work, you can visit her website at nourishingbodysoul.com or find her on social media.